kisses from an angel

Peaceful

2011-07-19T14:21:00.000+12:00

I'm at a peaceful time in my grief journey at the moment. Peace when I see Willow growing and doing things her brother's didn't get to do here on Earth; peace when I see a glimpse of Flynn on Willow's sleeping face; peace that she is here; peace that they are not.

Willow is nearly 13 months old. We are over-the-moon in love with her, she is amazing!

No one should have to bury a child

2011-01-24T08:17:00.000+13:00

When we head to the beach we have to drive right past the cemetery where Flynn and Bailey are buried. Each time I crane my neck to see if I can see Flynn's grave (it's the easiest one of the boys' to see from the road) and I usually manage to glimpse his stone and the decorations around it. It never fails to bring tears to my eyes and as we drove past yesterday I thought to myself that it's been 3 years and I'm still doing it, but it doesn't matter whether it's been 3 or 30 years, I will always look towards the boys' final resting place. I know they are not 'there' but it is the last memory I have of being near them and that makes it a poignant place forever for me. Sometimes, usually in the dark of the night, my mind drifts to their little perfect bodies lying underground and it is almost too much to bear. Just typing the words makes my eyes prick with tears and my nose start stinging.

No one should have to bury a child.

Finding myself again

2011-01-18T21:40:00.000+13:00

About 5 years ago I lost myself and since the day I lost my beautiful Bailey way back in 2006 I haven't been the same. It breaks my heart to think that my husband, family and friends have been living with someone who isn't whole. Over the past five years we have been through some terribly traumatic 'stuff' and I haven't given myself enough time and opportunity to really heal all the hurts. We have lost two sons within a year of each other only 3-4 years ago, we lost our first baby back in 2003 when I miscarried at 12 weeks, we have gone through IVF and had two unsuccessful embryo transfers in 2009 and then the miracle of little Willow in 2010... big, big 'stuff'. I need to give myself more credit for surviving through it all, and for making our marriage stronger because of it. But I also need to nurture myself more, give myself the time to FEEL the pain, give others the chance to help me, give my husband what HE needs while also putting myself and my needs out there too, give myself the time to figure out WHO I want to be, WHO I used to be and where to go from here. A friend has written in her blog that 2011 is the year that she is dedicating to herself and I think I'm going to 'steal' the idea for myself too.

This will be a year of rediscovery for me, a year where I take care of myself and become ME again.

Christmas blessings

2010-12-23T21:11:00.000+13:00

Our first Christmas with our little girl is nearly here and I am so happy that she is here with us! She is exactly 6 months old and she is the most amazing little girl!! We love her so dearly and soak in every beautiful smile she gives us. This will be such a special Christmas this year but it will, as always, be tinged with the sadness of not having our baby boys with us.

We have been given three incredible blessings - Flynn, Bailey and Willow - and this is what I will be thankful for this Christmas.

Hi Ho Hi Ho

2010-10-13T17:43:00.000+13:00

It's back to work I go! Willow is in Daycare for 3-4 days a week (with my mum picking her up early a couple of days) and comes to school with me 1-2 days a week. It's been hard figuring out how to juggle everything but so far so good three days in. Willow seems to enjoy being at Daycare which makes it much easier for me to leave her and head off to work. My mother-in-law comes around most mornings, because I start work pretty early, and takes Willow down when she is ready. It is so much nicer to be able to leave her to sleep in her own bed in the mornings if she wants to :o)

Heavy

2010-10-01T21:21:00.000+13:00

My heart is weighed down with thoughts of my boys. My eyes well up just typing it. Sometimes the weight of the thoughts are so heavy it is hard to breathe. I miss my sons. I want to see them playing with their little sister and delighting in her as much as we are. It's hard to believe that two out of our three children are in Heaven, and yet we are so grateful that we have been gifted with Willow, our precious third child. She doesn't replace the boys but she is great healing medicine and we love her fiercely. I wish the backseat of our car was full with three carseats, that there are no empty bedrooms in our house, that school bags and homework were spread over our kitchen table, that bathtime was chaos, that I had older brothers to tell off for pestering their little sister. Instead I squeeze my tears away as I hold my baby girl close and whisper love in her ear. Instead I catch my breath when I see my sleeping daughter and see her oldest brother in the peace written on her face. Instead I swallow the hurt and pain of a grief that is to large to comprehend but that I must learn to live with.

A vision

2010-09-21T21:54:00.000+12:00

The other night I was praying and I was thinking of little Flynn up in Heaven wondering what he was doing. I was thinking of him as he was here on Earth - a little boy with a mop of blonde hair, unable to walk and talk. Into my mind came the image I will never forget - a handsome young man with a mop of blonde hair, slightly facing away from me and then he turned towards me. He took my breath away, my little Flynn - a strong, beautiful man, healthy and strong. How precious that sight was and it warms my heart each time I think of it.

Immunisations today

2010-09-07T21:23:00.000+12:00

Willow is 11 weeks old today and had some of her 6 week immunisations. We have delayed them because 6 weeks seems so little to have foreign bodies put into it, and also because of her surgery/recovery. She received the Hib/dip/hep one but not Prevenar. I'm still not sure if we will let her get Prevenar... The research seems to suggest that there is an increase in antibiotic-resistance bugs in children who have had this vaccine and there also seem to be a large number of children who get adverse side-effects. I just wish all the vaccines were 100% safe and effective and then there would be no need for indecision!

She cried (*read screamed) when the vaccine shot was given but settled quickly once I fed her. She's been a bit grizzly today but nothing really bad and so far she hasn't had a temperature or any redness around the injection site. Thank you Lord!

9 weeks old!

2010-08-27T21:24:00.000+12:00

How gorgeous is this face?

Phew, it's done!

2010-08-26T15:21:00.000+12:00

Willow's surgery went well, the surgeon trimmed the tissue with a laser and we saw before and after photos and they look amazingly different. She had a little trouble coming out of the general with her breathing but came right pretty quickly. We stayed in hospital last night and Willow had a settled night and drank lots of milk. She was on oxygen over night but only so that she didn't have to work as hard to breathe while recovering. They gave her steroids to reduce any swelling as well. This morning they took her off the oxygen and she was totally fine without it and when the surgeon came after lunch to review her she decided that she was doing well enough to go home! We were home by 4pm and it was so nice to put her into her own bed tonight. We have to see the surgeon for a follow up appointment in two weeks time. Phew, let's hope that is the end of that!

Surgery :o(

2010-08-19T11:25:00.002+12:00

We had our ENT appointment yesterday afternoon to diagnose Willow's breathing issue. We found out that she has mild-moderate Laryngomalacia (the most common cause of breathing difficulty in infants). She also has reflux which makes the problem worse. Basically it is a structural anomaly in her throat, by her voice box. There is a piece of tissue that is supposed to be shaped like a very gently sloped half circle (like on of these brackets) and Willow's is shaped like the omega sign (the greek symbol - a very curved, almost meeting at the ends half circle). There are also two little nodule things that are supposed to be 'hills' and hers are 'mountains'. In essence it means that when Willow breathes in the tissues that are supposed to be an open path for the air to get through are collapsed on top of each other making her have to work hard to pull the air past the blockage. We have been offered a surgery date of next Tuesday where the surgeon will use a laser to shave these tissues down so that they are more of a normal size. She is also on Losec to minimise the effects of reflux which tend to inflamme the tissues even further which makes the problem worse. If we were to choose to do nothing the problem MIGHT get a bit better with the Losec alone but likely won't and we wouldn't know for a few weeks if it was going to get better. If the Losec didn't ease the problem it would continue to get worse until Willow was at least 6 months of age at which point it MIGHT start to get better on it's own. We have opted for the surgery because I can't stand the thought of her breathing deteriorating even further and her having to struggle every time she feeds to coordinate her breathing and swallowing. Luckily it only requires a two night stay in hospital. I'm happy that it is a problem that can be fixed (hopefully!) but the thought of putting her under a general at so young an age and subjecting her to surgery makes me feel awful. My poor little girl!

7 weeks and snoring!

2010-08-10T12:29:00.000+12:00

Willow is 7 weeks old today. We have just found out that she has a deviated septum (one nasal passage is much narrower than the other one) and this accounts for her incredibly noisy breathing. We had her at A and E on the weekend because she was working so hard to breathe which was pretty scary. Apparently the D.S means that when she gets a cold or virus we will sure know about it! It sounds like she is snoring when she is awake (and when asleep too!). Luckily she seems well and happy even with the stuffy nose so we are grateful for that.

She takes my breath away this little gem of mine. I still can't believe that she is here and she is healthy and she is here to stay. I look at her little face, soft body and my eyes well up and my breath gets caught in my throat. I love, love, love her!

6 weeks old already!

2010-08-03T13:06:00.000+12:00

Sweet Willow is 6 weeks old today! She is smiling more every day and we just melt when she gifts us with one. Oh how I love this girl!

She has his hands

2010-07-23T21:24:00.000+12:00

Gorgeous wee Willow doesn't look much like her oldest brother Flynn (she looks more like her brother Bailey) but she definitely has his hands which I love! Her fingers are long and delicate and her hands are always splayed and relaxed. She tends to hold her hands with the fingers raised off her body which is what Flynnie used to do as well. I love seeing similarities between her and her angel brothers. I wonder what they think of her? I like to think they are enjoying seeing their mum and dad holding and loving their newest sibling and are watching over her and smiling.

She's here!

2010-07-13T13:55:00.003+12:00

Our precious little girl arrived 3 weeks ago and we are so in love! Her name is Willow Tayla and she is the most adorable little thing.

11 days to go!

2010-06-11T22:20:00.000+12:00

It's been a while since I last posted! I am 36.5 weeks now and my c-section is booked for the 22nd June - 11 days! I can't believe that we are nearly at the end and we will get to meet this precious little daughter of ours. Lots of braxton hicks contractions and terrible heartburn but I can cope knowing that it's not for too much longer. We have our name picked for baby, it's beautiful! I can't wait to share it with our family and friends!

Showers and baths

2010-05-02T21:35:00.000+12:00

I had my baby shower yesterday, my sweet sister organised it for me and it was a really great afternoon. It was really nice to focus on and celebrate this little baby, something I could never do with my boys' pregnancies. Today two of my friends and I set up baby girl's room, it was nice to get a bit more organised and it was something I kept putting off so it was good to have their support while doing it. It is a very different feeling setting up a room to bring a baby home to compared to planning emotionally to let your baby go, and planning a potential funeral. I can certainly tell you which scenario I would rather be faced with!

Tonight I was lying in the bath and Mark was in the lounge on the computer and he started playing Flynn's song (Coldplay - Fix you) and singing along to it (loudly!) and it was a really weird experience hearing and thinking about Flynnie and feeling baby girl kicking in my tummy at the same time. It still feels odd that we are having another baby and that she is healthy, my mind just doesn't comprehend it fully yet.

9 weeks to go!

2010-04-20T22:27:00.000+12:00

Wow! I am 29 weeks today which means that we get to meet this little precious daughter of ours in 9 weeks! That is amazing and I am so thankful that this pregnancy has gone relatively quickly. The Lord has certainly calmed my nerves and allowed me to enjoy this time without constant worry and stress, and for this I am eternally grateful. With both Flynn and Bailey I went into spontaneous labour at 37 weeks so if this trend continues then I only have 8 weeks to wait! Part of me hopes that this is the case and that the hospital/obgyn/my midwife let me try to birth her naturally, but then the other part of me feels that a planned c-section to get her out without the stress of labour would be easier on me and her... In the long run it is not up to me to decide anyway so I will just sit back and enjoy the ride!

A bad dream

2010-04-17T21:29:00.000+12:00

I had a dream last night about Flynn. He was supposed to be in hospital having an operation. It was nighttime and it was raining hard. I got to the children's ward and there were many children of different ages lying in cots, some waking up from operations, or waiting for operations, or sleeping. Flynn's favourite nurse was there and so was my mother and sister. Flynn's bed was empty and noone could tell me where he was. I thought I saw him in a cot at the end of the room but when I got closer I could see it wasn't him. My mum gave me a basket of little gifts, things like hair pins, a bookmark and then something made of leather with writing on the back. On it it said that 'Flynn never stopped living' and 'he lived all his life'. I broke down in tears in my dream but I didn't realise that he was no longer with us. The scene changed and I decided to go looking for Flynn in the operating rooms. I convinced a man with a large axe to come with me and dress up in scrubs and gloves to blend in. We were dressed in booties, surgical scrubs and hats and had surgical gloves on as well. As we walked through the doors to the operating theatres nurses greeted me as a doctor and told me that the operating room was already 'sir'. I awoke to the sound of the phone ringing, a tightness in my throat and tears in my heart. I couldn't find my boy.

Dreaming

2010-04-05T11:05:00.000+12:00

Wow, it's been nearly 7 weeks since I last posted! I am 27 weeks tomorrow, how crazy that it is going so fast. This little bean is very active at all hours of the day which I love. I have been having some very vivid dreams lately, about killer bees, cows, babies... My hormones are going crazy! It is the school holidays at the moment and I will be teaching for 6 weeks after that and then I go on maternity leave. Feeling really pregnant, short of breath, waddling, the works! 11 weeks to go until my c-section...

20 weeks and good news!

2010-02-20T16:50:00.000+13:00

I haven't been on here in a while due to computer issues and have missed updating the blog so here goes!

I am nearly 21 weeks pregnant and I look every inch of it! I have a lovely round belly and one of my students told me that I look like I have a ball under my shirt lol. I had my anatomy scan a week ago and we were so relieved to see that this little baby is completely healthy! We also found out that we are having a precious little girl which we are over the moon about. If only we could agree on a name....

Flutters :o)

2010-01-25T16:42:00.003+13:00

I am feeling little baby flutters!!!! So excited and happy each time it happens :o)

Flutters :o)

2010-01-25T16:42:00.001+13:00

I am feeling little baby flutters!!!! So excited and happy each time it happens :o)

Flutters :o)

2010-01-25T16:40:00.001+13:00

I am feeling little baby flutters!!!! So excited and happy each time it happens :o)

16 weeks!

2010-01-20T16:44:00.000+13:00

16 weeks already! I had an appointment with my midwife at my request today. I needed reassurance that all was still well and thankfully the baby had a lovely strong heartbeat. I wish I was feeling strong movements to put my mind at rest, I can't wait for that. I have my next midwife appointment in 2 weeks by which time I will be 18 weeks pregnant and then my anatomy scan is a week and a half later... A big milestone that I am praying we will cross with flying colours.

What a wonderful sound...

2010-01-07T07:28:00.000+13:00

Yesterday I heard the baby's heartbeat on the doppler at my midwife appointment! It took a while to hear it and my heart was beating like crazy and then there it was, beating nice and strong :o). What a good baby!

A mixed bag

2010-01-05T11:21:00.000+13:00

I have a mixed bag of emotions this week. I am 14 weeks today which is absolutely wonderful! I visit my midwife tomorrow and we will hopefully be able to hear the heartbeat via doppler. On the sad side though is that my beautiful little cat was found dead on the driveway this morning, run over by the milk tanker we presume. Gutted.

Great news!

2009-12-26T17:04:00.001+13:00

Our scan went really well! The scanner lady was the one who did our 6 week scan after my hemorrage and so straight away she told us that there was a strong heartbeat so we were able to relax and enjoy the rest our the scan. Baby was tucked head-down really low so we couldn't get a good look at the profile but we saw two little arms and legs, a nice fat belly with a little stomach and baby even did a couple of little movements for us. We were so happy! I am now feeling more relaxed about this pregnancy and starting to enjoy myself. Roll on 20 weeks!

Just Breathe

2009-12-21T22:38:00.000+13:00

Just Breathe....

My 12 week scan is tomorrow morning and I need God to calm my beating heart and ease the trembling in my hands. I don't know how I am going to climb up onto the scanning table...

My words of peace and calm - Just Breathe - come from a night years ago when I was praying about something that was upsetting me and God spoke those words to me. Now I repeat them when I am anxious, sad, scared, anything really and it really helps. So tomorrow when it comes time to climb onto the table I will do just that - I will Just Breathe.

11 weeks

2009-12-14T19:03:00.000+13:00

Wow, 11 weeks tomorrow. I never dreamed I would be here again. I am so grateful to have been given this chance again, so blessed that our IVF has worked, so thankful for my sister donating her eggs to us, overwhelmed actually.

I feel pregnant, I look pregnant, I just want to see my baby on our 12 week scan next week to ease my mind and heart. The thing with losing babies is that you never get to have that sense of wonderment, the carefree joy of being pregnant. I worry about everything! What I eat, what I breathe in, what I touch, what I lift, my cats, fly spray, my shampoo, filling my car up with petrol... Oh to be naive again!

Please, please, please, please, please Lord let me keep this one.

Angel Bailey

2009-11-25T21:20:00.002+13:00

My sweet 7 hour angel Bailey

8 weeks!

2009-11-24T19:53:00.002+13:00

8 weeks today! We had our scan at the IVF clinic at midday today. Mark nearly didn't make it as he got held up at work but luckily the bed in the scanning room was broken so by the time they had fixed it he had arrived! The scan showed a little baby with a strong heartbeat measuring 8 weeks, 3 days. We were so relieved! Thank you Lord!

Subchorionic Hemorrage, what a horrible phrase!

2009-11-19T08:02:00.000+13:00

I have new words in my vocabularly - Subchorionic Hemorrage. I was sitting in class with my students last Friday when I felt an awful 'gush', then another. Luckily I was wearing a liner or I could have been in real trouble. I hurried to the toilet and to my absolute horror I was confronted with bright red blood. Lots of it. It was dripping into the toilet as I sat there in disbelief. Of course I immediately thought the worst and rang the IVF clinic in tears and they arranged for me to have a scan that afternoon.

My husband and I sat in the scanning room. He whispered to me that he hates these scans so much and would rather be anywhere but here. It's awful that we have had so much tragedy together that something that should be a wonderful time, getting a glimpse of our new little baby, should be fraught with so much fear and sadness.

We could see the bleed on the screen, it looked quite big and very shimmery compared to the surrounding tissue. Then... a little flickering appeared in the corner of the screen - our baby! It's heart was beating fast and strong and it has grown since my scan a couple of days earlier. I cried and cried and cried. Mark thought I was crying from happiness but it was really just an overwhelming rush of the emotions and stresses of this whole process (and happiness too of course!).

A subchorionic hemorrage (or hematoma) is a pocket of bleeding in the layers of the uterus. It can be big or small, in early or mid or late pregnancy, it can impact the baby or NOT, it might stop or it might carry on for an indeterminate amount of time... there are so many options! Most of the stories seem to end positively so that is what I am focussing on. This baby will be OK!!!

Phew!

2009-11-06T17:49:00.000+13:00

I had another lot of bloods done today to check that my hcg levels were still on track and I got some very welcome news... They are at 7200! Up from 1035 last Saturday and 330 on the Wednesday before that. It seems if everything is as it should be. I was so happy after the nurse rang with the results that I broke down and cried and cried. I was shaking and almost hyperventilating! Phew!!!

I was reading a post of Angie's on Bring the Rain and it really reasonated with me. She was talking about how God softly asks "do you want a healthy pregnancy?" and how she needs to learn to repeat "yes" instead of saying "yes but...". I like that!

A little brother or sister for our boys!

2009-11-03T19:32:00.000+13:00

I am five weeks pregnant!!! I can hardly believe that it has actually happened, it is still hasn't sunken in.

The IVF process is such a long and tiring one and even though you go through the counselling, doctor appointments, and tests a baby seems so very far away. In my wildest dreams I could never imagine the Clinic ringing with GOOD news! I feel like I am so conditioned for the "I'm so sorry but" response that it really takes me aback when I get the "congratulations!" kind.

So far my breasts are very tender and I have begun to get nauseous in the afternoons. All good signs! My hCG results have been good - 330 last Wednesday and then 1035 on Saturday. The Clinic want me to have another blood test on Friday to check that my hCG levels are still rising and then I have an 8 week scan on the 27th November.

Please God let me keep this one.

In my dreams

2009-10-18T19:49:00.001+13:00

I see my boy in my dreams and I LOVE it! I had a dream a couple of nights ago and Flynn was learning to pull himself up to standing and starting to crawl. He was making lots of new sounds and was giving precious kisses. It was so nice to wake up with the feeling of him close by. It did make for a sad day though because after that dream I couldn't stop thinking about him and how much I still want him here with me.

Five today!

2009-09-13T20:50:00.002+12:00

Today five years ago Flynn came into this world, pink, gorgeous and ALIVE! At 2.15pm my little man astounded the doctors, our families and me and his dad by beating all the odds. He had been given a 1-2% chance of being born alive, less than 1% of surviving more than a couple of hours and 0% chance of surviving more than a day.

At this time five years ago my darling husband and I were rejoicing over the fact that we got to meet our son and kept him constantly in our arms for the first 24 hours waiting for him to take his last breath, waiting for God to call him home. Our plans were blown out the window much to our absolute astonishment and leaving the doctors wondering what on Earth was going on. Our prayers for our son to meet us and be able to feel the love we had for him were answered one hundred fold!

How blessed we were five years ago!

We had a lovely day today with our families coming for lunch, lots of yummy cake and lots of laughing. I visited the cemetery with my mum and dad, sisters and brother-in-law and my little nephew. It was surprising sunny and still and the tui's were calling to each other. My nephew sat on the grass in front of Flynn's grave looking at his whirly-shiny-brightly coloured toys and smiled and 'talked'. I like to think he was talking to his cousin :o). My dad gave me a big hug and for the first time all day I broke down and cried for my boy, my beautiful boy - five years old today.

Kisses from an angel

2009-09-11T19:47:00.003+12:00

The name of this blog was inspired by Flynn's kisses. Flynn used to give the most amazing kisses. From about nine months those little rose-bud lips would press together firmly and then make the most delicious kissing sounds. All you had to say was "Kiss, Flynn..." and if you were lucky enough you got one. Sometimes you were insanely lucky and got a crazy continuous stream of kisses, one and another - how I loved those times. Every single kiss was treasured and savoured. He was my "Flynn medicine".

'Two' many tears

2009-09-10T20:14:00.002+12:00

The grief of losing two babies is sometimes overwhelming. It is incomprehensible how I am here with empty arms having delivered two beautiful boys, after feeling their breath, caressing their whisper-soft skin. How can it be that they are not here with me? I fear I will forget all the small things, the important things. How can it be that a mother must remember her children through memories and photos alone?

Sometimes I feel so alone in this most-awful world of grieving, and then I enter blogland and I find stories all-to-like mine and although I would never wish this journey on anyone it helps to find others out there who share my grief and feel my pain.

Flynn's diagnosis

2009-08-30T11:15:00.002+12:00

For our next scan, the Monday after our disastrous 20 week scan, we had to go to Waikato Hospital to be scanned by a specialist. We had prayed and cried out to God so much over the weekend, cried on shoulders and spent sleepless nights tossing and turning wondering what Monday would bring. I couldn't help thinking that it might have been a terrible, terrible mistake. As I lay on the table in the scanning room every inch of my body longed to jump up and run away. The scanner was a lovely man, Martin, whose gentle manner was just what I needed to be able to endure the next few minutes. Martin was so compassionate as he gently told us that he had found more problems with our little baby: the kidneys were very large and echogenic (bright) with cysts all through them; the baby had situs inversus (all his organs were the mirror image of where they should be); it wasn't spina bifida, it looked like there was something wrong with the back of his head; and he had hydrocephalus (a build up of fluid in the brain). I will always remember the way Martin placed his hand on my leg and said "I'm so sorry, I think your baby drew all the short straws". He referred us to MAFAU (Maternal and Fetal Assessment Unit) down in the basement of the hospital for an appointment later that week.

I went home and googled the list of abnormalities that Martin had described. I found a syndrome that seemed to fit most of our baby's problems - Meckel-Gruber Syndrome. I was devastated by what I read - 100% fatal, 1 out of 4 chance with each pregnancy, genetic. I told noone what I had found and instead on a tiny bit of yellow paper I wrote those awful words - MG-S and hid it away hoping to never see them again. Little did I know at that time that I had found the very thing responsible for my precious baby's problems and how much those words were going to take over our lives over the next few years.

Look at that face!

2009-08-04T20:23:00.002+12:00

I just meandered into my blog for another glimpse of the handsome Flynn - look at that face! How could someone even contemplate even suggesting termination when that face was waiting for us? How pure the joy is in his smile, it makes my heart melt and my eyes well up. Gosh I miss him.

Another step...

2009-08-03T21:28:00.003+12:00

Another step taken in the quest to have a family. Today I had my hysteroscopy to look for any scarring that might be blocking my womb making it hard for the doctors to transfer our embryos. It was a peaceful, lovely day! I was in and out of theatre in an hour and then home an hour after that. My MIL took me over and stayed with me until I was able to leave and then my darling sister came to pick me up and we went back to her house and watched a movie. I am feeling great! Minimal discomfort which is amazing. They found scarring from my c-sections had blocked the path into the uterus and so they removed it and have now said that I should have 'normal' odds of conceiving. What a relief but also disappointing that they didn't find it earlier before we transferred our first two embryos - they didn't stand much chance at succeeding :o(.

Onwards and upwards, I have about a month before we can go through the next frozen embryo transfer so it'll be good to get myself into an exercise routine and healthy eating plan before then. This WILL be our month!

Flynn's 20 week scan

2009-07-17T20:57:00.000+12:00

Our 20 week scan... it should have been such an exciting moment, and instead it turned into a nightmare in the space of about five minutes. I remember lying on the bed, the cold ooze of the gel squirted on my belly, looking over at Mark and sharing an excited smile. The scanner popped our video into the machine ready to record our baby for us.

The scan began and the scanner was quiet, the screen looked all fuzzy - I couldn't make out a thing but having never been to a scan I didn't think that was unusual. The scanner remained quiet and had a concerned look on her face. I plucked up the courage to ask if everything was alright and heard the words that still haunt my dreams "Well the first thing I notice is that there is not much fluid around the baby... no, I don't think your baby is alright, I'm going to get someone else to come and take a look at it with me". She left the room and I looked over at Mark, horrified, terrified, disbelieving. This couldn't be happening! This was not what was SUPPOSED to happen.

It seemed like forever before the door opened again and another staff member entered with the scanner. "I'm just going to take a look at your baby". I couldn't even look at the screen. My whole body was trembling, I couldn't breathe. Wiping the goo off my belly, the lady said "I'm so sorry but I think your baby has severe spina bifida, I'm going to refer you to the hospital for a scan with a specialist on Monday". Termination was mentioned, offered in fact... "in situations like these" but we refused. This was OUR baby, we couldn't even comtemplate it. Of course we had to book our scan on a Friday, and now the rest of the weekend stretched out like an age. The scanner took our tape out of the machine and handed it to me saying "you might as well have this". I couldn't believe it, she had basically devalued my baby - what right did she have to say that?! (Once home we went to play the video and the scanner hadn't even recorded ANYTHING for us! I just wanted to see my baby again, it felt like another slap in the face).

Completely in shock, numb we walked out to the car. I think we were supposed to pay at reception but I didn't even look back let alone stop (and we were never billed thankfully). In the car Mark and I sat like stone as we drove through town. As we passed a gas station I broke down and I remember saying "Ow, my body hurts, my whole body hurts" as I cried in Mark's arms after he had pulled over. I think I rang my mum once we were on the highway and somewhat incoherently told her that our baby had big problems, could they meet us at our place...

The rest of that weekend is a blur, our families came around and I have a memory of one evening in the dappled light of the setting sun talking and crying about our baby, the diagnosis and what Monday would bring. The nightmare had begun...

In honour of my angels

2009-07-17T16:55:00.000+12:00

I have created this blog in honour of my beautiful sons. I never realised that I could fall in love so fully, completely, life-changingly until I met my boys - Flynn and Bailey. This has been a journey filled with so much self-discovery, so much love and so much heartache. I am honoured to say that I am the mother of two special angels who have changed me in more ways than I can even find the words for. This blog is for you my babies xo